Going downhill
There are days when I'm soooooooo grateful for Paul and Romans 7:18-19. Yes, that "I do what I don't want to do, and what I want to do I don't do" passage. Gaah!
Last night I slipped very badly in my battle for purity. I couldn't even stand to have Christmas music playing in my CD player because the reminder of God's presence seared me. I opened up my email to send a message to someone and the Bible verse in my signature stared at me in the face... I felt such a hypocrite to even have a Bible verse appended to my outgoing email.
I wanted to delete that verse, erase the reminder of what I am supposed to be, forget all that I should stand for. I wanted to skulk around and hide and pretend that I was not the vile sinner that I am.
And I can't even say that I was very repentant. A preacher once said that sin is fun, which is why we do it. He's right; we'd never be tempted to do the things we do if there wasn't something in it for us.
Still, I wrote the email, enthusing about what God has done in my life, despite knowing I was in mud and was planning to go back there soon after. Have you ever realised that it is easy to talk about God, and write about God, and quote Bible verses, yet remain as far away from Him as ever?
I'm gutted because I don't even want to struggle. In fact, I was stupid enough to go looking for temptation. I can understand a person being weak and giving in to temptation when it comes by, but to go looking for it? That's pure unmitigated stupidity. It's like putting one's hand into the fire and saying, "Burn me." Bloody idiot!
Dear God, help me to WANT to live Your way...