A new start
Thank God for friends who tell me things I don't want to hear -- but need to hear nonetheless.
This friend's words made me realise that if I don't want to continue going downhill, I have to do something. I have to get serious with God. Stop making compromises when it comes to living for Him.
And I realised something else: it's hard to stop sinning because in order to do so, I have to surrender to God moment by moment. At every second, every minute, every hour, I have to make the choice to die to self -- to say "no" to what I want -- and to live for Christ instead, to say "yes" to what HE wants.
When push comes to shove, I've often gone with what I want rather than say, "God, I'll do it Your way." Partly because His way is harder, partly because I don't like saying no to myself, and partly because of fear. Fear that I won't be able to withstand the temptation anyway, so why try to resist? Fear that, if I surrender and choose God's way, I'm going to miss out on something good.
But if I'm really serious about "walking the talk", as they say, then a commitment is a commitment. No half measures.
This morning, I bundled up all my romance novels, drove to the garbage dump and threw them out. I did something different from all the other times: I prayed and declared my intention to be free of these things, of lustful thoughts and lewd fantasies, through God's strength. (Yes, stupid as it sounds, I never did pray any of the other times. I just threw everything out with the intention to start anew with God, but I didn't talk to Him about that intention. Duh.) I asked God to help me. I renewed my decision to live for Him. And I more or less told Satan to get lost.
After I'd dumped the books in the garbage, I stood there looking at the horrid smelly dump and told God I was getting rid of all the smelly, ugly stuff in me. I told Him that walking away from that garbage dump would symbolise that I was walking away from all the garbage in my life. I was going to walk away, and I pray that, as the song says, there'll be "no turning back".
To tell you the truth, I'm scared. I've said that when push comes to shove I usually go with what I want. I'm not sure if I will be able to surrender to God in the second when temptation beckons. I'm not sure if I'll have the strength to say "no". I guess that's why I need to lean on Him, eh?
I want this so much... to be single-minded and pursue God and God alone. So, for quite some time now, I've been praying this piece of Scripture over my life:
I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow My decrees and be careful to keep My laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.
-- Ezekiel 11:19-20
Thanks for all the prayers, guys. I believe they've made all the difference as I wrestled to "choose this day whom I would serve". Thank God for His grace and mercy which I do not deserve.