The Wilful Sunflower

Dear God,

I'm writing this to You coz I might not pray otherwise. You know I've hardly said much to You over the past few weeks except all the 'token prayers' like, "Thank You Jesus for the food in Jesus' name Amen" — and even that would be in the middle of eating, when I realise I forgot to give thanks to You for the food! But I've always figured I'm more thankful when I'm eating it than before I start eating... coz then I know how good it really tastes ;)

I've been so busy running around I think I kinda lost sight of You somewhere. I'm feeling numb and detached and... well... drained. It's like going through the motions.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing, so I'm really thankful that You know what You're doing — otherwise I'd really be in deep shit!

I guess I wish You could be more "real", for lack of a better word. You know I've always struggled to relate to You, my invisible God, my intangible Heavenly Father. At times like this I feel isolated, all alone, in front of my PC at 2:30am, and I'm quite tempted to ask, where are You? What are You doing? But I know better because You see, I was always told I should walk by faith, not by sight, and to ask these questions would be to doubt You and maybe even to "test" You. Which all "good Christians" should not do.

Right.

So, since I can't ask You those questions, I'm trying very very hard to remind myself that You really are here and that You really do care. I can't count the number of times I've told You it would be so much easier if I could feel You, y'know? Or even just hear You. Have a proper conversation, so to speak — not just me chattering on and on all the time. And when I've said that to other people they've rebuked me for relying too much on my feelings. But hey, I figure if You wanted me to ignore my feelings, then why would You have given me feelings in the first place?!

You and I both know it's not a faith issue, it's just that I would love to experience You in that tangible way people often talk about. Oh, I know that You work differently in each person's life, and I'm so cerebral (see how I analyse and assess everything?!) so maybe I'm just not the kind to have emotional experiences, only intellectual lightbulb moments kinda thing. What do You think?

I would so like You to be alive not just in my head but also in my heart. It does me no good to be able to quote Scripture and pray in tongues when my heart sometimes just feels dead within me.

God, there must be so much more to being in relationship with You. I just don't know how to get to the "more" part of it, and I'm afraid I'll be stuck here forever. It's like I'm always reaching out but missing it, yet I know whatever it is ought to be in my grasp already because, after all, I have You. You are supposed to be The Answer, my all in all, everything I need, and so on so forth.

So why do I feel like I'm still searching and still missing something?