The Wilful Sunflower

23 comments, 10 emails, one e-card and one phone call — I'm amazed at you guys :)

Frankly I wasn't looking forward to Saturday because I'd managed to line up no less than four appointments throughout the day and the mere thought of all that frantic activity was already wearing me out! But as circumstances transpired, I managed to cancel/postpone all but the first appointment, so I was able to go home and crash in my living room for three hours on Saturday afternoon. I think I really needed the rest.

It's strange that I find myself unable to tell people, "I'm really tired, can I meet you next week instead?" Tiredness sounds like such a cop-out, a lame excuse. I'm afraid what people will really hear is, "Sorry, I just don't want to meet you."

Recently, what with feeling down and all, I've found myself begging off appointments by saying that I don't feel well. It's strange how that phrase doesn't sit well, how it feels vaguely phony. After all, it's not like there's been anything wrong with me physically. It's all unseen, all in the soul...

I've been reading Diane Komp's Anatomy of a Lie, which probes the reasons why we lie and asks whether a lie is ever justifiable. It's fascinating reading, but uncomfortable at the same time, and I am tempted to skip the study questions at the end of each chapter lest I should delve too deep into my own truth.

The thing is that I lie to get out of things; I don't want to meet a person but I will say, "I'm busy" instead. I lie to get out of potential trouble, like telling someone, "I called, but couldn't get through," when actually I didn't even get close to dialling the other person's number. I lie to escape long and (to my mind at least) unnecessarily complicated explanations. Similar to Komp's little story of how, when a restaurant waiter caught sight of a picture in her wallet and asked who it was, she said, "My granddaughter," despite the fact that she has no children. It was just easier than explaining her relationship with the little one in the picture — and she also assumed, she says, that the waiter wouldn't really be interested in the answer. "Perhaps it is not [he] but I who don't want to invest the time in the truth," she admits. Ouch.

For me, especially, it is the first kind of lie that is the most common, because I am non-confrontational by nature — and how do you politely tell a person you just don't want to see them, or at least, not in the immediate future? I haven't figured out any gentle way of saying that, yet (if ever!).

Still, Komp says, "No matter how trivial a fib may be, each lie I tell has the potential to hurt someone else." And, if the lie (more likely, lies) were to come to light somehow, wouldn't the relationship be irrevocably damaged? Moreover, now that y'all know I lie about such things, will any of you ever be able to take my words at face value again?

It's hard for me to tell the truth sometimes. It's easy when I'm on the Internet and I'm just a faceless person, but when it comes to "real life", I often wimp out. I would like to be able to be firm and to say, "Sorry, not this week, I'd rather do that another time," but I always feel like I need a really good reason for saying that. Like as if wanting some time for yourself is not a good enough reason, you know. Because people will say, "Don't be so anti-social," or "Don't be such a spoilsport," and try to get you to change your mind. (That's why work is such a wonderful excuse. Nobody can argue with the demands of work, especially since my job is well-known for its odd hours as well as its unpredictable schedules!)

I also worry the other person will take it personally and feel rejected. And I don't like to disappoint people, so I end up in situations like Sunday's: I knew my housemate really wanted to watch a movie and, though I wasn't wild about it, I just went along for her sake. We were both disappointed in the movie — in fact, if I'd been alone I'd probably have walked out half-way through it — so of course I was kicking myself for not saying no. Sigh...

Any ideas on how to turn off "please people" mode?? *rueful smile*