Exploring
I think there is a tendency for me to say, "I need this," or "I want that". Yes, there definitely is. I suppose that's very human.
What I haven't reconciled is how that works in a church/Christian context, where people say it's not supposed to be about YOU, it's supposed to be about God something I can't rightly argue with, yet something that doesn't sit too well with me either.
Like when I talk about what I would like to see in a church, and people keep on saying, "There's no perfect church", or castigate me with, "All I hear you say is what the church should do for you you ought to be thinking about what you can contribute to the church!"
On one hand, I have all these legitimate needs (or what seem to me legitimate), and on the other hand, I'm told to ignore them, or at least not pay them too much attention. At the same time, although I want these needs to be met (obviously!), I recoil from the idea of choosing a church on the basis of it fitting everything I have on my "list". I will not "shop" for a church. I will not make church all about ME and meeting MY needs.
Small wonder my pastor thinks I'm confused :)
This is how I expressed it in an email to one of my closest friends, Janelle:
I wanna put down roots and have a church which is like family, where I can belong and be myself and worship God and grow and serve but not be pressured by expectations or whatnot, a church which is passionate for God and, although structured, doesn't organise God out of the picture and insist that everybody fit into a certain mould, a church that loves messy people like me. Is that asking for too much? I don't know...
My pastor says that church is a calling, and I can identify with this because I've long believed that God plants us where He wants us to be. "We are all part of a body; if you are called to be a hand, you don't go planting yourself on the face," said my pastor, making me giggle with the image he conjured up.
The million-dollar question now is, "Where does God want me to be????"