Tired of being afraid
I didn't really reflect on my life upon turning 25. But I do remember one night, I was crying into my pillow and I decided I was fed-up of being afraid all the time.
There are two things that I'm really scared of: disappointing God, and upsetting Dad. The two fathers - one Heavenly Father, one earthly father - both play a huge role in my life.
It seems to me that I've been afraid a lot. Like sometimes people say, "God will understand" and then I wonder, Will He really? But doesn't He demand certain standards of us? And if I fall short of those standards, how can I be sure He will understand? And so I tie myself in knots... God, after all, is God, and not to be trifled with.
(When I pray, it is so natural to refer to Him as "Lord"; "Lord" I am comfortable with. He gives the orders, I'm just to follow. But I have to make a conscious effort to address Him as "Father", because I still have no idea how to relate to God as my Father.)
As for Dad, I'm afraid that I will make a mistake to set him off and we'll be back to square one again. Dad's temper is pretty volatile, and once he forms a negative opinion of a person, it's extremely hard to change his mind. Now that he's finally changed it, I don't want to do anything to un-change it again.
I'm tired of always being afraid, and I've realised that I've been afraid to dream, too. When I was younger I used to tell God, "Plant Your dreams in my heart because I want to dream Your dreams. I don't want to chase after my own only to find that it's not what You want for me." Yup, I was a cautious kid :)
Many of my dreams I've given up because I've been too afraid to hope. One of them, I do believe, is the dream of love and marriage.
So I said that I was giving God the dream and saying "yes" to whatever He might want. But, underneath that, I really felt relieved. Because, deep down, I'd always been afraid that love wasn't for me anyway. That I'd never have a man who would love me the way I need to be loved, who would cherish me and nurture me and spur me to be the woman I can be. How would I find such a man? Where would I find him? And if I did find one, why would he even look at me?!
Well, since I'm tired of being afraid, and since on Saturday, my housemate told me that I would begin to hope again... I believe God is saying to go ahead and dream. In line with that, As I Wait is back.
Related: Coming out of the closet