Discouraged
Sometimes I really hate myself. I always tell people that we are hardest on ourselves because we can see all our own weaknesses and failures, and I believe it. But then of course I think my faults and failures are worse than anyone else's.
It's interesting how I look around and everyone else seems to have their lives all together... for all I know they could be struggling with the same things I'm struggling with, or worse, but I discount the idea simply because they don't look like they could possibly be facing the same things I face.
I wish discipline came bottled in a can. I HATE it that I'm not disciplined and organised. And when it affects all the most important areas of my life, I feel so guilty. I feel so... like less of a person, y'know?
Someone commented that 99.9% of humans are disorganised, but I've never known anyone to have the lousy discipline I have. All I can say is that I'll try harder.
You know, every day I wake up and I kinda dedicate my day to God. I ask Him to protect me and guide me, help me to make wise decisions, and get done what I need to get done... usually I even mention specific stuff which I know I need to do. And almost every day, that stuff doesn't get done; it's pushed to the following day, and I feel terrible.
What's the point of praying about it if I don't sit down and DO it??
It's easy to start out with good intentions and wonderful goals... but if I don't follow through, it all means nothing, really. Every time another "good intention" fails to materialise, it's like another defeat. Another failure.
I feel so guilty all the time, because I know I could, should, do better... yet it's not like I don't WANT to. It just doesn't seem to happen. Is that a cop-out? Because it sounds like a cop-out to me. But I'm trying. And that sounds like another cop-out.
So sometimes I don't know what the truth is anymore. Am I really trying? Or am I just saying it? Surely if I were trying, I'd see some results? I'd be DOING something. I'd be different, dammit!
I don't have all that much time to get my act together. I'm already seeing warning signs all over that things are going to cave in on me one day. I'm so scared...
And all that I can say is, "I'm trying". Is it any wonder that that doesn't seem to be enough?