Shoe and accessory supplier (The Wilful Sunflower)

When two of my housemates were invited to a wedding (the same wedding) recently, both turned to me: I became Shoe And Accessory Supplier.

Each borrowed a pair of (black) high-heeled shoes from me. In addition, one borrowed a pair of drop earrings, and the other borrowed a necklace/choker & a bracelet.

My accessory, um, 'collection' is mainly the fruits of my "desperate" phase back in 2001, when I went all out to try to recreate my image: tired of being conservative (which - to my mind then - translated into 'boring'), I wanted to look not only attractive, but be "hip" and sexy as well. Now, of course, I look back and ask myself: What was I thinking??!? LOL

The thing about me is that when I'm in a phase, I'm In A Phase. And I get into the most serious buying phases. If I'm in a "shoe phase", I can sometimes buy three or four pairs of shoes in the same day. Once, during my long-ago "scarf phase", I bought 13 scarves in two weeks!

So why the accessory collection? Because I was obessessed with creating the perfect look. It had to be perfect from head to toe - everything should match, and come together to create the image I wanted to project.

I am good at this, if I do say so myself. I know all about creating images and wearing masks and dressing up. My projected image can be my shield against the world. If I want to look professional, I can make myself look like a professional from head to toe - the neat hairstyle, the understated "natural" make-up, the small but elegant accessories, the neat blouse and knee-length skirt in neutral colours, the formal blazer, the skin-colour pantyhose, the black leather court shoes, the accompanying black leather handbag that is neither too big nor too small. It helps that I am sometimes somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to tiny details - as poor Jonathan found out when he helped me rework the CSS of this blog! (Thank you, Jonathan, for putting up with me! :D)

The obssession with the "perfect look" came at a time when I'd stopped building my relationship with God, when I was trying to ignore His presence in my life.

I think that it was precisely because I closed my eyes to God and the way He sees me, that the way others saw me started to become all-consumingly important. I'd lost the security of knowing that I am special and precious and dearly loved. So, I needed to get my security from somewhere else, and I turned to other people for it. I tried to earn acceptance and approbation by re-inventing myself and my image.

This didn't succeed mainly because:

I knew it was not really what I wanted - I didn't want to be accepted based on how perfectly I could conform. I didn't really want that kind of acceptance; it isn't real and it wouldn't be worth spit!
I got tired of trying so hard. As I've said before, I don't like a lot of fuss and bother, and believe me, there is A LOT of "fuss and bother" involved in trying to create the "perfect look"! I simply couldn't keep it up. LOL
I was miserable trying forget about God's existence and trying to do whatever I liked without caring what He might think.

Eventually, I quit with the image thing some time before I finally came to my senses and started rebuilding my relationship with God. It left me with a kind of "identity crisis", though - I didn't know who the real me was anymore. There'd been too many layers, too many pretences, too much trying to please others, until I'd lost sight of my real self.

But that's a subject for another day... :)