Getting my life in order
I turn 25 next month. It feels significant. And not because of the quarter-century thing, either.
After all, there's all that hype surrounding "Sweet Sixteen", not to mention turning 21 and supposedly entering adulthood & freedom (yee-ha!), symbolised by wearing a 'key' round your neck. [which, by the way, is apparently supposed to be the key to a chastity belt. Or so I heard.] I didn't feel a thing either of those two years.
But this year feels significant.
And, right now, my life is a mess.
So, I'm looking at myself, and I'm bummed out coz I'm going to be 25, and my life is still in a mess. Got it?
There are so many things to get done, so many things to change, and I'm behind on every single one of them. I feel like I'm always trying to catch up with yesterday. It's like I try to patch one tear only to have the fabric rip in five other places simultaneously.
For example - I need to start saving money but I first have to pay off my credit card debt; I need to start getting things done early, or at least on time, but I first have to finish all the stuff I've allowed to pile up; I need to... oh, you know how it is!
OK, Mom just called and I was desperate enough to try to confide in her. Bad idea. 'Nuff said.
Well, I'm trying to put my life back in order. The problem is self-discipline; the bad news is that a lack of self-discipline spills over into every single area of my life. Even all the dark, hard-to-reach corners. And, wouldn't you know it, discipline is my keyword for this year. Oh, the irony of it!
The past two weeks I've somehow felt that I might be running out of time... I've been feeling like the storm could break over my head at any moment, like I really need to get my act together, and do it NOW! I've been worried, knowing I need to be more hardworking, quit procrastinating, sleep earlier & wake up earlier, spend less, save more, work faster, keep my promises, be responsible, get organised, etc., etc., etc.... I feel under pressure, I hate my life, I want to kill somebody... (not myself, though, thank God)
Every morning these past two weeks, I've turned off my alarm and muttered to God, Oh Lord, do I have to get up? I don't have the energy to face this day... Every morning, I've stumbled out of bed feeling like a 100-year-old woman (and here I was just talking about turning 25! Huh!), dragging myself to work or to wherever I need to go. I didn't even want to be in church on Sunday and wouldn't have gone if I hadn't been "on duty" to play the keyboard that week.
There are still bright spots, though: a colleague just gave me a bottle of Christian Dior's Dune perfume today. She said she had two bottles and had been looking for someone to give one away to. And as a bonus, she gave me miniatures of two other perfumes too. Wow!
I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. One minute I'm down in the dumps, the next something great happens to cheer me up. This is ridiculous...