Falling apart
Been feeling very... displaced today. Lots of things to do, but can't concentrate. Just very numb and restless.
I even searched Google for encouraging blog. Pathetic, eh?
Then my mobile phone rang late at night. "Ah, a friend," I thought. I looked at the number. And promptly realised that there are two types of friends: the kind you can be yourself with and the kind you need to be in the right mood and frame of mind to layan - or handle.
This person was the second type. *sigh*
I didn't answer the call; I'm terrible like that. I run away and avoid situations - or people - whom I don't want to face.
Tonight I'm just tired of trying to hold my life together and trying to act strong and pretend that I know what I'm doing. I'm tired of worrying about a zillion things and forcing myself to be what I think I must be. I'm tired of trying to do the right thing all the time and failing so badly so often. I'm tired of being afraid of incurring others' displeasure and wrath.
It's one of those days when I badly want God to say something to me. "Reassure me," my heart cries. "Tell me You care."
My brain retorts, "You KNOW He cares. The Bible says so. You are supposed to trust and have faith, not demand extra demonstrations of love."
The argument stops there, before it has even started - because I know my brain is right. But that doesn't help.
It's one of those days when I wish God were a human being "with skin on", that I could really experience His embrace.
My brain tells me it's stupid to waste time wishing for the impossible.
It also tells me to snap out of it and just get on with the business of living my life and doing what I need to do.
I've come to the end of myself. Here, tonight, all my layers are peeled off, there's nothing left - only the essence of me - I'm crumpling, because I'm not strong after all, because there's no one to see.
Twila Paris wrote a song, The Warrior Is A Child (MP3 here):
- Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
Chorus:
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet