Tithing
There's been some discussion on tithing (giving 10% of one's income to God) going on at The Gutless Pacifist, Post-Modern Pilgrim, and Next Reformation. I was going to comment on Pen's entry last week, but didn't have time.
When it comes to money, I am always tremendously conflicted. I've said before that money has always been a HUGE issue with my parents, especially with Dad, and sometimes I feel that has kinda warped my own perception of it.
Just a week or so ago, when I was at home, the topic came up again...
...I'd brought back about 7 worship CDs to listen to, and Mom was exclaiming, "So many CDs! You really spend so much money on these things... if I spent money like you did, I'd be bankrupt!"
Dad cut in, "You said it, my dear. She is bankrupt!"
When I protested, he sneered, "Show me your savings, then," knowing I didn't have any. My parents know me too well.
In fact, my family thinks I'm a spendthrift. All through my college years I battled feelings of guilt and failure for being unable to save money. No matter what I tried, I never had surplus. Never. I drew up budgets. I made shopping lists. I opened separate "do not touch" savings accounts. I kept records of all expenditure. Nothing worked.
Not only that, I constantly overspent. I'd buy things like books and cassettes and leave so little left over, I sometimes survived on one meal a day - made up of instant noodles. Boil the water, pop the noodles in, and shake the "seasoning" into the soup; no extra ingredients, nothing. Yup, it was pretty pathetic!
I wouldn't ask for help because I knew I deserved whatever I was getting. I'd got myself into this hole and I'd jolly well live with it. Besides, I couldn't face Dad and ask him for more money. Sometimes, if I was really at the end of my rope, I'd borrow ten bucks from a friend. It shamed me, and I always made sure I paid her as soon as I got my allowance.
What made me feel guilty was knowing that all the things I bought - all the things I liked - Dad deemed "not necessary". I could have lived without them, sure. I just didn't want to. And then I worried about being a bad steward, because I was always indulging myself - and putting my finances in the red. I didn't tithe much during those years, which made me feel even guiltier.
When I started working, I thought, Things will surely be better. I have more to go around now. It won't be so tight. But all it meant was I could afford so many things I couldn't before, and I didn't have to starve into the bargain. I could also afford to be generous. To sometimes pay for friends' meals. To get my brother a mobile phone and reload his calling credits every two months. I also made it a point to tithe. And... the money just continued to disappear. (Having $900 car repairs didn't help much.)
So now, here I am. I tithe. I tithe and I am (or try to be) generous but I also indulge myself; I have no savings and I still feel like a bad steward. I don't know if this is a deserved feeling or not. I tithe and yet I always feel that I am not doing - or being - enough. Each time I buy another book (Christian or otherwise), I feel guilty.
I have a feeling that I haven't yet let God be in control of my money, but I'm scared to let go, and anyway, I'm not quite sure what it means to let Him be in control of it. I mean, how does that work out in practical terms?
What can you say to a person like me? I have always wanted to do "the right thing". I have always tried. I have always just wanted Dad - and God - to smile at me and say, "Good girl." But Dad frowns at me when it comes to money and I've never been sure that God isn't frowning, too.
And now I am afraid. Because I don't have any savings - what if something were to happen? Dare I ask God for help? Would He help me? Or would He let me stew in my own juices, because I deserve it, having not managed my money wisely? I have no right to ask Him for help... it's all my own fault, anyway. Will He be gracious to me - again???
The fear is strong in me. The fear that the answer to all these questions, and those like them, is "no". The fear that He is angry, disappointed, disapproving, unapproachable.
So I'm running. I said, in my last post, that I've gone back to romance books. A paltry refuge. But then, emotions never make sense anyway.
What does it matter that I tithe? I don't believe that tithing alone makes Him pleased with me any more than I believe giving to someone in need mitigates how I spent all the rest of the money. But I have to stop running, of course. Soon, soon, I hope...