The Wilful Sunflower

Dick Hillis' story

This brings me to another story in Elliot's book: that of missionary Dick Hillis. He met a girl in Bible school, but because she started dating his best friend, he never told her of his feelings. After two years, he graduated and went to China, asking a trusted friend to write him every six months with news of her.

Every six months, he got a letter saying, "The situation remains status quo." This went on for four years, during which he wondered if he should just forget about her. But he couldn't. So he prayed. And prayed. And prayed.

One hot summer day, he received another letter from his friend. Surprise, surprise! Instead of "The situation remains status quo", his friend wrote: "They are no longer going together. Margaret feels that God wants her to seve in China. She has already applied to the China Inland Mission [Ed. note: now Overseas Missionary Fellowship]... has been accepted... and will sail in six months." Woohoo!

In the midst of his joy, Dick Hillis realised that firstly, Margaret had probably never even thought of him since they'd parted four years ago, and secondly, he couldn't properly woo her. He had responsibilities - his missionary work - and he couldn't go to her! So what did he do? He wrote her a letter:

For two years I have loved you. I have prayed for you and want you to be my wife. You have not seen me for nearly five years.... You will say that you can't accept my proposal without courtship. I have to answer that there can be no courtship until you have accepted my proposal. This is hard, I know, but it looks as if your decision must be based on God's will for your life. It is easy for me to believe that you are God's will for my life as I have already admitted my deep love for you. For you it is a much bigger problem, so I will gladly give you six months to answer me. This allows you time to really pray. God will show you His will, I know.

Before I close, let me ask you a question. Did you come to China because you loved the Chinese or because you were sure this was God's will for you? I know your answer - you came because you knew it was His will. Knowing this, you are confident that He will give you His love for the Chinese. Will you, dear, let me relate this same clear logic to your decision? If it is His will for you to be my wife, then will He not give you a love for me? Margaret, I will be praying every day - many times every day - because I love you.

But again, where's the romance? Do you realise that Maragaret had to make a decision with her head, rather than her heart?!?

So is romance bad?

Why does that bother me? Because I am a dreamer, who dreams of being romanced. I want to be swept away by my feelings, like every other heroine we hear about. I want to be loved, to have someone cherish me and care for me and be protective of me.

And I don't think that's necessarily bad; but I think it's possible to get caught up in the whole issue of what he does or doesn't make me feel, and then it becomes about ME. I have an idea that if I were trying to decide whether this was the guy for me, I would probably start analysing my feelings and looking out for the "floaty feeling", the quickened heartbeat, the butterflies in the stomach, and if they aren't there, I would probably conclude that I was not in love with him. (Erk!)

So, in summary:

• Romance in itself isn't bad - hey, all relationships need a little romance - but when it becomes the focus, it gets to be a problem. Like everything else, there's a time and a place for it.

• Romance novels - or movies for that matter - tend to equate "romance" with "sex", which is extremely misleading, to say the least. The English Patient, 1997's "movie of the year" (it swept nine Oscars), revolved around an adulterous relationship. Discussing the movie with friends, they told me it was so sad. I came out of the cinema thinking the couple got what they deserved! Titanic also revolved around sex, if you think about it carefully.

• Both romance novels and romantic movies are dangerous because they encourage you to think that another human being can "make everything all right", that if you find the "right one" all your problems will magically disappear and life will be wonderful. Sure, we say we don't actually believe this or expect it to happen, but is that really true?! Are we sowing seeds of disappointment and disillusionment in our relationships?

• They also plant the idea that a partner will fulfil all your needs. In Jerry Maguire, Jerry (played by Tom Cruise) tells the girl, "You complete me". That's rubbish. We're talking about another imperfect human being here, you know. Only God can truly complete us and fulfil all our needs! If we're looking to someone other than God to satisfy us - that's idolatry.

• I think true romance is neither the means nor the ends but a by-product of love. When I love someone, I will want to do things that make him happy or make his life a little easier, a little more comfortable. I want to spend time with him. I listen to him talk as he tells me his thoughts, his hopes and dreams - and even his fears and weaknesses. And he listens to me in return (I hope!). That is where the romance comes in. It's not an idealized kind of picture, it's not primarily about feelings; instead, it involves acting out a commitment and expressing love.

• Which brings me back to point #1: There's a time and place for romance...