The Wilful Sunflower

I say things when they're no longer true, and then I trap myself in old ways of thinking and behaving. It's like when I jokingly ask friends, "Hey, don't you know any guys you could introduce to me?" I make myself out to be desperate - or "hunting" - when I'm actually not. I used to be, though, and that's when I got into the habit of saying those things. And if I keep saying them, I just might find myself falling right back into that mindset.

So it is in this case. Once upon a time, I wanted to go to other countries and experience life in different places, among different cultures. Part of it is because I was born in the UK. Dad was doing his medical specialisation there (he's a physician). We came back to Malaysia when I was four, and we've never been back. I don't remember a thing. Not one thing! What a waste!

The other part of it is, perhaps, the seeking for a place to belong. I don't come from a traditional Chinese family - for one, we speak English at home - and I tend to think that I identify better with Western culture and so-called Western ways of doing things. Rice is pretty much the staple food here, but I'd rather eat things like fettucine, or fish & chips or lamb chop, or even just a burger. Little things like that. And I guess I wanted to find out if I'd "fit" better in a Western country.

And so I was hoping I'd get to go overseas to study my degree. It certainly looked as if that was in the pipeline. But then it turned out that God had other plans...

Years later, after graduating, when I heard other friends discussing their experiences, talking about places they'd been to, comparing notes, telling of the things they'd seen and done, I used to feel left out, and cheated - why is it other parents had sent their children overseas to study, or taken them on holidays abroad, and not mine? And I'd yearn.

I wish I were her, I'd tell myself. Or, I wish my parents were like hers. I wish we had pots of money to go on vacations to Australia, the UK or the US. What must it be like?

After one such incident last year, God spoke to me, asking me to give the dream to Him - the dream of travelling. He showed me that I was not free; I was bound by the shackles of my wanting. It was making me discontented and unhappy. "Do you always want to be so unhappy each time you hear someone talk of their experiences in other countries?" He challenged me. Was I willing to say, "Thy will be done"? Was I willing to place the dream in His hands, even if it meant I might never get to travel at all?

It was a hard question. Till then, people had always said to me, "You're still young, you'll have plenty of chances to travel. All you have to do is save up some money." But, if I were to say yes to God in this matter, it would mean giving up control. It would mean that it was no longer up to ME to decide if I would travel; it would be up to GOD. Eek!

I wrestled briefly with Him. (Funny how I always do try to negotiate my way out of it, all the while knowing I'm gonna end up surrendering anyway!) But it was no contest, because I knew He was right: I wasn't at peace inside.

So I yielded. I gave the dream to God. I placed it in His hands and said, "Thy will be done." I stopped yearning to have what I've never had, experience what I've never experience, go where I've never gone, see what I've never seen. And He gave me peace.

That's why I can't tell Rachel that I'm jealous. I'm not. I read her post and I was like, "Wow, all those countries?!" But that's her path, and mine's different. I'm finally happy to be right here where I am, because I know it's where God wants me to be. No more wanting to be somewhere else. No more wanting to be in somebody else's shoes. :)