Wanting a relationship
Neal, Jon Davis and Josh S have all been posting about relationships lately. Specifically, the longing for one.
The other night I was out for dinner with Janelle. As usual, I asked her how her boyfriend is and we talked a bit about relationship stuff. And I realised something: I didn't feel the old envy or yearning any longer. I was able to honestly rejoice with her over her relationship with this wonderful guy who seems to have been made just for her.
In the past, whenever I heard someone talking about their "significant other", I'd feel a pang of loneliness. Like, "I'm all alone" or "I have no one" kind of thing. And I'd wish that I had someone to "call my own", too.
I thought I'd meet my future husband in university, because that's when I'd leave my sleepy little hometown and step foot into the big city. But in the end I went to a tiny little college that specialised in giving law tuition for distance-learning students. It was just a six-storey high-rise (well, not that high) building right in the middle of town; it wasn't even a REAL college/university. And the one person I met whom I could imagine myself with, ended up getting together with his best friend. Obviously, God had other plans!
So my college years were spent grumbling that God was taking so long and asking Him, "When, Lord?" Yet at the same time, I realised that I wasn't ready for a relationship, and it was just irritating.
Why wasn't I ready? Because the yearning for someone special to love and be loved by was birthed in loneliness. And it's simply wrong to ask another human being to fill that void. I could just imagine the kind of clingy, possessive girlfriend I'd become, demanding my boyfriend's attention 24/7. It made me shudder. No, I was not ready for a relationship.
Still, it's one thing to know that and another to live with it, as Jon Davis knows. I prayed and prayed that I would be able to find my place of belonging in God and allow Him to be my security. I want to come to my future husband as a complete person, not expecting him to do the impossible and complete me.
God whispered to me, "I want you to want Me more than you want anything else, even a life partner." But for the longest time I was still focussed on my longings, asking God, "When, Lord? Why is it taking so long, Lord? Where is he, Lord? How much longer, Lord?"
Then last year I read Elisabeth Elliot's Quest For Love and it really hit me: I've always been so focussed on wanting a relationship that I've never really enjoyed just being with God. Just basking in His presence and being alone with Him. And suddenly that old saying, "If you're not called to be married, you're called to be single" just lit up like a light bulb in my puny brain.
I'm not called to be married yet which means I'm called to be single. At this moment, I'm called to be single. I can spend my singlehood craning my neck, looking out for "The One", or I can spend it resting in God, trusting Him to bring me the right man at the right time. And allowing Him to prepare me for marriage.
Guess which one I chose?
The edge of desperation has worn off. Early last year I was so desperate there really is no other word for it that I registered on 30 online personals sites. I figured I could make friends with more Christian men, and who knows, one of them just might turn out to be The One. After all, God works in mysterious ways, right? Then I got an email from the Ivory Coast; this guy claimed that God had told him we were soulmates. *rolls eyes*
Part of the reason I decided that my keyword this year is discipline is because I know I'll need to be disciplined if I'm ever to be the woman God made me to be. I'll need to be disciplined if I'm to be the wife my future husband needs and a woman he can love.
You see, this time of singleness is also a time of preparation. Now that I have decided I can leave the whole "finding Mr Right" stuff in God's hands, I can stop fretting about something I have no control over and concentrate on the things over which I do have control. Specifically, discipline.
For the first time in a long time, I have been able to open my heart to God and say, "Do what You will." It's incredibly freeing. I'm finally at peace. Surrender is so incredibly hard but so incredibly worth it.
**DISCLAIMER: I am in no way suggesting that Neal, Jon or Josh S are not surrendered to God, not trusting Him, or not whatever else. This is my experience and what God has been doing in my life. Anyone who reads more into it ought to have his/her head examined. Whew, got my back covered :)