The frightened little girl
I've been away from the computer for a few days, supposedly resting and recuperating. Only that's not too easy to do when I see boxes around me every time I open my eyes. *groan*
On the upside, I've just ordered my wardrobe, which is supposed to arrive sometime this week. $400, whew. When it gets here, I'll finally be able to put away my clothes, which will aid greatly in the unpacking process!
I've spent so much money lately, buying stuff for the house, and getting my Nikes and other things, that I feel vaguely guilty. A lot of them were "extras", things I didn't really need. Like, I don't really need a wooden cupboard; I could always "make do" with the old plastic zip-up affair. I just don't want to.
I didn't really need a full-length mirror; for years I've only been able to see my face, so what's the big deal with a long mirror, anyway? I didn't really need a mini compo; I've done without for, what, three years? Four? Four years without music...
In a sense, these weren't practical needs, but they were sort of "soul needs". I was talking to God two nights ago and the thing is, I'm not sure He approves. Mom and Dad wouldn't, I know. I'm just dreading the next time they decide to make the 4-hour journey down here and see the cupboard. Dad will do his usual sarcastic drawl: "Bought a cupboard, eh? You must be rich. Spending more money!" Ouch.
It's come to me that I'm very tentative with God, always afraid of putting a foot wrong and incurring His disapproval. I worry that He's upset with me for spending so much money on "unnecessary" things. I worry that He's upset with me for not managing to save any money. (Well, I have $300, if that counts, but Dad sneered at me the last time I told him. Worked for a year with $300 in savings! What kind of savings is that?!)
I think the upshot of it is that I worry I'm not what God wants me to be, and I worry that I've failed Him. Although I KNOW that God is not a neurotic parent, yet it's so hard to accept that it's OK to make mistakes, that it's just part of the process, and He doesn't expect me to be perfect immediately.
I wish I were more secure in God and in the knowledge of His love. While I believe He loves me, and I trust in His love because I don't really feel it deep inside, I'm still that frightened little girl who's trying to get everything right, and who's afraid she'll get scolded if she fumbles and makes a mistake.
Then the frightened little girl tries very hard to remind herself that God loves her no matter what and that He's got His hands out to lift her up when she falls. But the frightened little girl flinches when His hand comes, because she's scared she's gonna be smacked. Then she looks yearningly at His lap but she thinks she's too dirty and dusty, she's got mud all over, she'll mess up His pristine white trousers and it will be just one more thing for Him to get angry about.
She daren't climb in His lap, and He would never force her... so she denies herself the comfort He would so willingly give. But she lets Him brush the dirt off her, and she clings to His hand as if she would never let go. Perhaps one day she'll be brave enough to climb onto that lap. For now, it's just enough to know that He's there, and He's not angry with her.