Blogging
Mark Morris is looking to set up a comments system in his blog. Here is part of an email I sent to him this afternoon:
Personally, I kinda regret putting a comments section on my blog. On one hand, it encourages dialogue with my readers, so it helps me to connect with them and perhaps, build relationships. On the other hand, once I know who my readers are, blogging becomes more difficult.
I find myself writing for my readers, instead of for myself, and in so doing I sometimes misrepresent myself. I want to impress people. I want them to think I'm clever and funny and witty and knowledgeable. I want them to like what they read, and to come back for more. I no longer write what's in my mind and heart I write stuff that I hope will catch people's interest and I dream that my views/thought processes will win people's respect. I find myself showing off.
This is partly why I said (just before Christmas) that the blog is getting more and more about me and less and less about God. From the response, people seemed to think that I meant I don't talk about God enough. No, that's not what I meant. In fact, I think I might just possibly talk about God TOO MUCH because, half the time when I do, I'm showing off. I'm showing off my Bible knowledge, my "wisdom" and my understanding of Scripture/biblical principles/theology/whatever.
Most of the time it's about validation. You know back when I blogged about my former church and the reasons why I decided to leave it? Looking back, I realise that it was all about validation. I wanted people to say, "Yes, you're right and they are wrong." I wanted to show people, Look, I know Scripture so well, I was able to pick out these little inconsistencies in my pastor's & cell group leader's teaching. And, deep down, I was arrogant and contemptous enough to think that I could have done a better job than my cell group leader. (Although, I wasn't arrogant enough to think that I could have done a better job than my pastor!!)
The reason I'm still blogging is that I've realised this struggle with self is an ever-present one. If I were going to give up blogging simply because my self too often pushes itself to the forefront and gets in the way, then I might as well give up doing anything else. Because it's going to be a lifelong struggle to die to self and live to Christ. It's not a struggle that I can escape by running away.
So I won't quit blogging not at the moment anyway because blogging is not the root of the problem. It's merely one of the avenues the problem uses to manifest itself. Pride is an ever-present danger, one I'm very aware of.
Therefore, I'm going to continue blogging but I'm going to try to just be me instead of trying to impress my readers. I'm going to try to be honest about myself and not only write all the good stuff, but also allow others to see the other (very human) side of me the one who's messy and has a lot of hang-ups. :)