The Wilful Sunflower

Just the other night, I was talking to Bob about not being perfect. Actually, I was having an attack of the blahs and he was trying valiantly to get me out of it. I, however, was not cooperating. I can be VERY difficult when I choose!

There are just some days when I feel like a miserable mess. Karen talks about the "little people" inside her:

These little people keep popping up and giving me a heck of a time. They completely take over my brain and cause me to act like someone I'm not. As soon as I think I've got one beat, another one rises to the top. I think the most obvious ones came forward first, like Abandoned Girl and Un-loved Girl. Then the more subtle ones started to take the stage, like White Trash Girl and, today, Unpopular Girl. You'll note that none of these personalities have particularly positive monikers. I do have positive people inside of me too, but it seems that they're weaker than the other ones. They don't get to come out and play as often. Or, if they do, I'm not able to notice them as well.

Boy, can I identify with that! The only difference is that I often grab my "little people" by the throat and sit on them. They're there, but I don't allow them free rein, and I try not to let other people see them.

The worst part about having so many personalities battling for supremacy is that I end up not being too sure which one is really me. I remember once visiting a friend's church where I responded to the altar call – I can't remember what it was all about now. All I do remember is that the pastor's wife came up to me after the service with a message. "I feel that God wants me to tell you this: you are a naturally joyful person," she said. "Don't let the devil steal away that joy."

I was like, "Huh? Me? Naturally joyful? What on earth is she talking about?!"

My perception of myself is warped. I know it. If you were to ask me what my weaknesses are, I could give you a whole list that stretches from here to I-dunno-where. But ask me to list my strengths and the good things about myself, and I would most likely go blank.

It doesn't help that Chinese or Asian culture (I haven't decided which) doesn't encourage us to think much of ourselves. Modesty and humility are highly prized. You'll see parents who are immensely proud of their kids but never utter a word of praise because they don't want the child to end up with a “swollen head”. These same parents, however, will brag about their children and their children's achievements to all their friends.

By the same token, we never acknowledge our own hard work or talents, because that would be prideful (or so we believe). This translates into an inability to receive compliments gracefully. "Your dress is beautiful!" will elicit a response of, "Oh, not really, it's very simple; I bought it at a thrift shop."

When I was younger, I used to denounce this as false modesty. It just irritated me. Can't people just say, "Thank you," when they're complimented? Do they need to deny the compliment and disparage themselves instead?

Now that the arrogance of youth has worn off, however, I find that I am like any other person – I'm prey to insecurities which make it very hard for me to accept compliments myself. When someone tells me I did a good job, more often than not my first reaction is, "REALLY?!?"

It feels like my faults, failures and weaknesses are "ever before me", until they're the only thing I can see when I look at myself. A lot of times I seriously wonder what God is thinking when He looks at me. How does He think of me?

Oh, I know the Scripture, I know the truth – in theory. Doesn't seem to help, though. That's just frustrating!