Asking and trusting
After sitting on things for a month, I'm finally room-hunting in earnest. I gave notice at my current place early last month, so I'm now looking for a new place to stay.
After going to five 7-11s and scrutinising all the "Room To Let" notices I could find, I made some calls and viewed two rooms yesterday.
At the first, the lady referred to her tenants past and previous as "my girls". Possessive pronouns give me the shivers; I don't want a motherly-type landlady who will hover over me, make my business hers, ask a lot of questions, and require me to follow a zillion house rules. Part of the enticement of living away from home is the freedom I have, which is precious to me both because of my independent nature, and the way I was brought up. I hate feeling caged.
At the second, the first thing I noticed when I walked into the house was a Buddhist altar in the sitting room. Having seen that, I didn't think I would want to stay there, but let the landlord go on to show me the room.
It was furnished, the price was reasonable, but two things were missing: the shower didn't come equipped with a water heater, and the room didn't have a ceiling fan. Why on earth would I need a water heater when it's hot and humid here all year round? Well, I tend to come back very late at night sometimes, and it would be wonderful to have a warm shower. Not to mention that cold showers late at night are said to cause rheumatism in the long run. And a ceiling fan is important for air circulation, or the room could turn out to be extremely warm and stuffy.
So I tried to use these as "excuses" to reject the room. But the landlord had an answer for every obstacle I brought up. He offered to put in a shower heater at no extra cost to me, and said that he could help me to get a ceiling fan at a lower price from someone he knew (I'd have to pay for it, though!), and he'd get a contractor to install it for me free of charge. He seemed to really want me to say yes, and it got to the point when I couldn't find any more reasons to say no I couldn't very well tell him, "I don't want to stay here because of the altar downstairs"!
He asked me to give him an answer today, so I called up four people to ask their opinions. The general consensus was that, yes, I could expect some sort of spiritual oppression if I were to stay there, but if I know who I am in God, then it shouldn't affect me too badly. Then again, I feel that it's never wise to look for trouble!
The thing is, I kept thinking, "Hey, it seems like a nice place. And I absolutely need to find a place to stay by the end of the month. Empty rooms are always snapped up quickly, and if I don't grab this one, I might run out of options. The other places might not be as nice or as comfortable." On the other hand, I was also thinking that God could very well provide a better place for me. This "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" mentality is one which makes me constantly afraid of losing out on something good. But that's the way the world thinks! Arrgh!
Adeline, one of the people I called, asked me if I'd prayed for anything specific with regards to a room. Yes, I've asked God to provide me with a room with a ceiling fan and a built-in cupboard, and a shower with a water heater. I also named a specific figure for the rental, then I backed down and substituted a range instead maybe I don't believe that He would (could) give me such a low amount. *grimace*
At the back of my mind was also the thought that I don't want to stay in a family house; I'd rather stay with a bunch of other singles than with a landlord/landlady. I've stayed with landladies twice and found it tough because naturally, as it's their own house, they tend to be particular and want everything done in a certain way; I also found that I had to be ultra-polite and on my toes all the time, careful not to offend them by anything I said or did. To put it bluntly, I never felt quite welcome or comfortable there. Those stories I hear about tenants being treated as one of the family as far as I'm concerned, they're only stories.
Anyway, Adeline asked if I had prayed for a house with no altar, and I said no, because I'd thought that went without saying! "It's not too late to ask God for that," she told me. I was like, "It's not?!"
The thing is, I'm never too confident when I'm asking God for stuff. Firstly, I was taught not to treat Him like a Santa Claus, bringing a "shopping list" to Him in prayer and demanding things. Secondly, from experience He doesn't always give me what I ask for. So how do I know that He will give me what I'm asking for this time? Maybe I'm asking for too much? Maybe He wants me to have something different? Maybe He thinks that this is not the right time?
It makes me conflicted and apprehensive about asking. I still don't understand how God can tell us to believe that we will receive what we ask for (Mark 11:24), when there is never any certainty that He will give it to us. How can I believe, when there are so many questions swirling round in my head?
And yet, faith is trusting in someOne. Adeline asked, "Imagine yourself asking your father for these things. Would he give them to you?" I admit I said, "Probably not." Dad believes that you have to work for and earn what you get, and he believes in necessities, not wants. Which is not to say that I've had a hard life; I just didn't get everything I wanted. :)
It's hard to trust God sometimes. The Bible says that His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). I don't know what He's thinking, and that sometimes makes it hard to trust Him for the here and now. I mean, perhaps He won't give me something now because of the effects it might have later? How am I supposed to know?!
Anyway, I'm still praying for a room, and I'm still praying for those 5 things: rental at 250 dollars a month, a ceiling fan and a built-in cupboard, a shower with a water heater, and no altars in the house. I'm trying hard to believe that He will provide for me exactly what I need & ask for. I think my faith is being stretched! *rolls eyes*