A redeemed red-letter day
Today has been one of those days. You know, when everything seems to go wrong from start to finish.
My friend (Madelyn) called first thing in the morning, telling me she needed my share of deposits and rental for the house, amounting to about $950. I started hyperventilating. Oh, Lord, where am I going to get that kind of money? I half-prayed and half-exclaimed to myself.
So I went into begging mode. "Please, please, please help me, Father," I prayed desperately. "I need to get the money somehow. I gave them my commitment and I can't pull out now, they're relying on me." And on and on I went, telling Him all the reasons I needed help trying to convince Him to help me, as it were.
Then I stopped and thought, wait a minute, why am I begging Him? Don't I believe that He WANTS to help me?! Something's wrong with this whole scenario the fact that I'm pleading with Him to help me just shows that I'm not relating to Him as my loving Father.
A picture came to mind: me standing before my Heavenly Father, telling Him what I needed, and He just reaching into His wallet and handing over the money. As simple as that. At the back of my mind, Scripture lurked: "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?" (Matthew 7:9-10)
Still, when you are scared and in a hole that you have dug for yourself, you don't feel entirely confident that He is willing to help. Or at least, I don't. I tried to calm down and trust. I thought I heard, "The money is already in your account," but I couldn't be sure if that was just me trying to reassure myself. Still, it kept on coming. "The money is already in your account."
I knew that the company was supposed to release staff bonuses today, but the noticeboard said that employees who had been confirmed in their employment on Dec 1, 2001 and thereafter would only receive their pro-rated bonuses and Dec salary at the end of the month. And I'd been confirmed on Jan 17 this year. So I really didn't see any "rescue" in sight.
Driving to work fighting familiar feelings of isolation, failure and fear, I tried to calm down. And another picture seemed to stick in my mind's eye: one of myself being enfolded in a hug. I heard Him saying, "I love you," over and over again. Just a simple affirmation. One that spoke to the scared little girl inside me and assured her, "Don't be afraid. You may have messed up but that doesn't make a difference to Me. You are still My daughter, and My heart is still turned towards you."
Again, I wasn't too sure if it was just me telling myself the things I wanted to hear (after all, I KNEW God would probably say these things if I could hear Him); but I decided to trust that they were from Him and allow Him to comfort & reassure me. Besides, the thoughts were pretty persistent!
I got into my office and found out that for some reason, the company had decided to release ALL staff bonuses today and advance our December salary into the bargain. So I was able to pass the deposit money to Madelyn at lunchtime.
Other things hit me when I got to the office more messes and more problems; but this is the one thing worth remembering from my day: I not only asked my Heavenly Father for help, I stopped panicking and trying to think of ways to help myself (loaning the money from people etc.). Instead, I decided to trust that He wanted to and would help me. I was open to Him and able to receive the assurance and comfort that He wanted to give me.
I broke the cycle. Wow!