Struggling alone (The Wilful Sunflower)

I seem to have created a controversy of sorts without meaning to. Many thanks to James Cordey of Threshing Floor, who said of me, "She continues to process the whole thing and try to hear God in it all and that is good. My take on it is not that she is being malicious or judgmental."

In the 7 years since I've left home, I've been in three churches, spending 2 years, 4 years and 1 year in each respectively. I do believe that God led me to each one for that particular season of my life, working different things in me when I was there. I won't deny that I've grown and been blessed in different ways while I was in each church. However, my experiences with the church herself haven't been very good. On the other hand, I've always believed in being committed to a local church where I can serve, grow and build relationships. So... well, I continue to hope, I guess.

As the Mute Troubadour writes:

She is blemished, flawed, filled with contradictions, inconsistencies; at times destitute and without without a clue; at other times as arrogant as Jezebel. But for all that, she is Christ's promise that "the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them; they will be his people, and God himself will wipe away every tear from their eyes." And that is why I stay.

As I said to Ganns, we need to wake up; I say "we" because I am a part of the church too, so I have to be part of the solution as well. We need to realise that these things are going on and make an effort to change and pay more attention to people. We need to realise that it's the PEOPLE who are important, not the programmes, not the numbers, not the methods and rules.

Everybody has a need. I think people assumed I didn't have a need, because I was from a Christian family and I always seemed to have a pretty stable relationship with God. I mean, Mom was a Sunday School teacher, and later she was one of the youth counsellors. You don't expect the youth counsellor's kid to have any problems, especially when she's playing piano for church services and serving on the youth fellowship committee!

Then I left home and came out, and people looked at me and saw that I wasn't a new Christian, weak in my faith or unsure of my foundations. So nobody really made the effort to take me under their wings and mentor me. Then when things like this problem with my church occurred, I really had no one to talk to for godly counsel and no one to pray with me.

In my Christian walk, I have often felt that I was struggling alone. I've been up and down so many times. Often I looked like I had it all together but I was falling apart inside. Last year was the worst. I nearly left the faith; I was struggling with a recurring sin in my life, I was disappointed with my Christian friends, and I just felt like there was no point in trying to live for God anymore. Using the excuse that I had to work on weekends, which I did I was reporting news back then I quit going to church. What nobody knew was that I had purposely volunteered for weekend roster duty, knowing that if I said I had to work, no one would be able to argue with that or pester me to go to church! I totally ignored God and started doing whatever I pleased. (Which wasn't very drastic anyway I'm a bit of a puritan, LOL.)

I was miserable, of course. Drifting from day to day, life was meaningless and empty. I couldn't even sing anymore, because I've always loved singing to God, and I couldn't sing songs that I didn't mean. This probably isn't going to make any sense, but it hurt me to turn my back on God, because I did (and do) love Him. He's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and you can't wrench out a part of yourself without hurting yourself.

It went on like this for months, and nobody knew. I don't know whether anyone suspected, but certainly no one approached me and asked me how I was doing, or showed any semblence of caring. Certainly no one, not even a single person from the church, ever said to me, "We've missed you."

At Christmastime, Janelle (a very close friend) flew back from the UK, where she'd been at university. One night, I spilled my guts to her, telling her that I was about to leave the faith. I whined and ranted, and when I had finished, she called me a brat! "Since when has it all been about YOU and what YOU feel and what people have done to YOU?!" she asked.

Both of us totally believe that God gave her the words to speak to me that night. I suddenly woke up and came to my senses, much like the prodigal son. And I realised that it was true I had been focussing on myself. My focus was no longer on God!

On New Year's Eve, my (now former) pastor suggested to the church that instead of making New Year's Resolutions that wouldn't even last a week, we should think of things that we wanted to achieve by God's grace and with His strength. We were to write these things down, as if we were making a commitment to God to work them through with His help. On that night, I wrote that I wanted to come back to God and live for Him again, and learn to put Him back in the centre of my life. That was my turning point.

So I suppose you could say that although I struggled alone, God in His grace and mercy intervened by bringing Janelle back at precisely that time, and by leading my pastor to suggest that we make a commitment instead of a mere New Year's Resolution. God is always able, always faithful, always patient, always loving.

But the church and the other Christians where were they when I needed them?