Old ghosts
I think this is probably a good passage of Scripture to remember right now:
"One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13b-14)
This week has been a pretty bad week. An intense sadness has been hovering over me like a cloud ever since things blew up in my face on Tuesday. I've tried hard not to be negative and gloomy here because I know how tiresome it is to read a blog that just comprises of incessant complaints, grumblings and whinings. I'm not sure whether I've succeeded.
I think old ghosts are rising up to haunt me once more those past issues that haven't been dealt with. Hurts and all that kind of stuff. I'm hesitant to speak of them, because I'm afraid of sounding melodramatic and falling into a cosy pity party.
This evening I was in a Christian bookstore, looking at the books (I spend much time in bookstores, in case you hadn't noticed, *grin*) and all of a sudden I started getting teary. I saw Max Lucado's books, you see, and I remembered a friend telling me that she had been in a bookstore with her pastor one day, when she told her pastor that she was looking for some encouraging, inspirational books. He recommended Max Lucado's books to her. She had never read any of Lucado's books because the covers somehow had never appealed to her. So she got one of his books, and she couldn't put it down! When she told her pastor the next day, he went out and bought four more of Lucado's books for her!
And a simple thing like that made me cry. Why? Because I've never had anyone do that for me. I've said that I'm pretty independent, and I also said that I handle things on my own because I HAVE to. There's just no one else around to help, or to take over the burdens. So likewise I go out and buy stuff for myself, because I know that no one else is gonna get it for me.
My friend Karen Haluza says she struggles with the desire to be seen as a legitimate person with legitimate accomplishments. (Or at least, that's the impression I got I hope I'm not misrepresenting you, Karen!) I struggle with the desire to feel special. I've never felt special. I know God thinks I'm special, but I can't feel it. It's not real to me.
Oh yes, so many people have told me not to rely on my feelings. "They're transient," I'm told. "Feelings come and go all the time." I know that. On the other hand, I have to ask God, "Why on earth did You make me with feelings, if You wanted me to ignore them?!"
So my brain is telling me one thing, and my heart is insisting on another. I really wish the two would get along for once. But noooo, they have to disagree and fight for supremacy. It's really irritating sometimes. You know those cartoons where a little devil appears on one of the character's shoulders and a little angel appears on the other side, and both try to sway him with their views? Well, I get something like that. Of course, it's a little harder to imagine my brain on one shoulder and my heart on the other. To imagine them speaking is even creepier... *shudders* :P
I could go into the reasons why I've never felt special. I don't think I will, not at this moment. Let me just say it's been compounded by the fact that I feel no one in authority has ever had time for me. I think sometimes being in ministry was a way to gain attention, because I was in the music ministry and you can't really stay invisible and unknown when you're in the worship team! At that time, though, I did honestly believe I wanted to serve God and let Him use the talents He had given me. I'm a bit of a gung-ho person I actually VOLUNTEERED to serve!!! (O, the arrogance of youth! *laughs*)
So there you have it. The ghost that rides my back.