The Wilful Sunflower

Hmm. I got this comment in response to yesterday’s post:

You know what I think, I think maybe, God took your little prayer thing a little too literally. He's apt to do that sometimes when the mood takes him. So he's guarding your heart a little too well. So tell him his guard duty is up and you need to actually get out there and make your own mistakes and maybe, just maybe he'll let you meet someone...just for practice’s sake… Get out there and live a little.

But the whole point of praying that prayer was to avoid making my own mistakes! I wanted God to take it literally! LOL

I don’t want to meet someone “for practice’s sake”. Why play with fire? Hearts are fragile things, easily bruised. Friends have told me, “Oh, we’re just trying it out, we’ll see where it goes.” I think that’s a pretty short-sighted attitude, coz what happens when it goes nowhere, and you have no choice but to break up?

Yes, there are amicable break-ups, where both parties ostensibly have no hard feelings. Kudos to them, but I don’t think I could do that. A relationship, to me, is a commitment. And commitment means giving of one’s self. After pouring myself into the relationship, I wouldn’t be able to walk away dispassionately. No siree, not me.

Relationships can be messy; they hold a lot of potential for heartbreak. I don’t see why I would want to “make my own mistakes”, when I could let God stay in control and get it right the first time!

Besides, I don’t need a man or a relationship in order to “live a little”. I am already enjoying life right now!

I seem preoccupied with this issue because ever since I can remember, I have desired to fall in love, marry, and have a family. I never dreamt of having a successful career, earning pots of money, or going places. But an (as yet) unrealised dream doesn’t prevent me from living life to the fullest right now. Each day is a gift from God and is to be lived with joy before Him! Walking with God is a journey and a constant adventure. I am NOT in stasis until Prince Charming comes riding in on a white charger, for goodness’ sake!

This also explains why I do not believe in “looking around” and planning strategies to meet more men. (See yesterday’s post.) I spent my late teens and early twenties (OK, very early twenties, hahaa) looking out for “The One”. Every time I met a Christian brother, I would wonder if he could be The One. My prayers went like this: “Where is he, Lord? Why are You taking so long, Lord? I wish You would hurry up, Lord!”

Without me even being aware of it, my focus had shifted from God to finding THE man. It made for impatience, dissatisfaction, and a great deal of frustration. It also meant that I was more or less just sitting on my bum and craning my neck, allowing life to pass me by. This is why I am no longer actively looking. It took me years, but I am finally learning to rest in God. “Be still, and know that I am God,” He commands in Psalm 46:10. It’s been a hard lesson to learn.

It’s not at all easy to sit back and leave everything in God’s hands. I’m always tempted to snatch control back and try to make things happen, but I know that would be a stupid, stupid thing to do. After all, He’s God and He knows what He’s doing!