The Wilful Sunflower

People always seem to ask me, “What are you looking for in a partner?”

Last night, on ICQ with the same friend who said I should plan some strategies to find and get to know guys (see this post), the question came up again.

It goes without saying that my future partner should be a Christian (I have more to say about this – don’t I always? – but I’ll save it for a later post). That’s the first and foremost thing, which my friend, CK, didn’t dispute.

However, we ran into problems when I mentioned that I would like my future partner to have a sense of humour that is similar to mine.

“Interesting... I do realise that nowadays, lots of gals do look for guys with a sense of humour!! Honestly speaking, not many guys have that – the sense of humour that gals like. I feel that this criteria should be a minor one. I think what is important is that you should look for a guy who is a godly and committed Christian and who is committed to communicate as gals need to be communicated with!” he reproved me.

Well, to me, it’s all part of sharing. Wouldn’t it be sad if I’m not able to share a joke with my husband, because he simply couldn’t get it? I think it would be frustrating. Plus, I have a rather zany sense of humour (there is a reason that my blog’s URL and my email address are both “mizwacky”, you know, :P) and I don’t need my spouse to be looking at me like I’m some kind of weirdo whenever I burst into gales of laughter!

The discussion hit even more snags when I brought up the word “tender”.

CK was horrified: “What do you mean by tender? I mean, most guys are naturally harsh, otherwise they would be sissy men! Not only harsh, but macho with a deep strong cool voice.”

You see, that’s the way the people around us think. Don’t forget, though, that as a Christian, a man’s (and a woman’s) sense of identity should be in his (her) God. When you know that you are a child of God, dearly loved by Him, you then have the security and freedom to be the man or woman that God made you to be, and you won’t feel the need to prove a thing to others. And so I told my friend, “If a man is strong enough inside, he will not be afraid of what people say. A man who is secure enough will not be afraid to be gentle.”

CK: Oh man!!! It’s quite unnatural for a man to be gentle.
Me: That’s why he’s going to be special, heheh!
CK: You're right, he would have to be special...!! Hah... you mean he’d have to be gentle with other guys too!!
Me: He would have to be gentle with those weaker/more vulnerable than himself.
CK: I really think you need to know more guys... and find out why guys behave as they do. Your criteria is quite an ideal and not really realistic to guys generally.
Me: I don't care. I don't want a “general guy”. I want someone special!
CK: Insisting that you want someone special huh! Wait till you get to your 30’s, when desperation comes, you will have no choice but to go for those general ones!
Me: I trust God. He knows what is best.

I mean, so what if I’m still single when I reach my 30’s? If God wants me to stay single, then I’ll stay single, and hopefully, I’ll be joyfully single. What He says goes, remember? There is always joy in doing things God’s way, even though it may be difficult. (I’ve learnt this the hard way, in case you’re wondering. Made one too many wrong turnings on the road of life, without consulting the Person I call my Shepherd and my Guide! *wince*)

CK sent me an email today, continuing the discussion. As a Christian, he wrote, we should look for a partner who is “a godly Christian, committed to discipleship and evangelism and committed to relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ, (I Corinthians 6:14); so, gadgets [sic] like a sense of humour, tender... are secondary and should not be important at all.”

He says this because those two qualities are not explicitly “biblical criteria”. Actually I would beg to differ. Tenderness, at least, IS a biblical criteria, because husbands are adjured to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy.” Paul continues, “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it” (Ephesians 5:25-29). Is it just me, or does this passage conjure up a picture of Christ tenderly caring for the church at the expense of His own comfort and His own interests?

Anyway, God knows of the qualities I would like in my future partner, and He also knows whether they are really what I need in a spouse. I’m sure if He thinks something on the list is inappropriate, He’ll simply change it to something better. :)

To tell you the truth, at the moment I’m not terribly concerned that I might never meet someone who fits my “criteria”. You see, whoever my future spouse is, I’m sure he probably has a list as well. And, being a special man, he would probably have high standards when it comes to what he wants his future wife to be like. (I would be disappointed if he didn’t!) I want to become the kind of woman a man like him could love, respect and admire. But, most of all, I want to become a godly woman, the woman that God made me to be in the first place.