The Wilful Sunflower

Macker got down to the brass tacks in my comments box yesterday.

Mizwacky ... you make some very good points. All too often they are all too true.

So as a leader in my church, how would you expect me to respond to such concerns? Clearly it is important to you or you wouldn't mention it. but have you thought it all the way through and determined what you need from the church? How much of it is my responsibility to not lay guilt trips and to love unconditionally (through my actions), and how much is yours to let love cover a multitude of sins?

Not saying one of us is more/less right than the other. Just wondering what the constructive side of your argument will be when your leaders catch on.

I thought that was a valid question. No point complaining or criticising if I can't offer anything constructive. :)

Since Macker asked what I need, I'll try to give a more organized answer than I did in the comments box:

1. I need leaders who encourage participation and idea contributions instead of simply laying down the law.

   Leaders can encourage their members to come up with ideas, contribute, participate, instead of always laying down the law and insisting something be done only one way. In Malaysian culture, a leader is respected simply because of the position he holds, but often he fails to extend equal respect to those under him. It's like when you tell a kid to do something and he asks, "Why?" and you answer, "Because I'm Mommy, and I say so!" (which I got a lot of when I was a kid, but that's not the point I'm trying to make here :) )

2. I need leaders whom I can trust to handle my problems/difficulties/struggles with love and tact.

   I need to feel that if I'm facing a difficulty or a struggle, I can approach my leaders and talk them about it, and receive care and godly counsel. This trust has to be built between leader and member. Only when we share an existing relationship will I know that I can trust my leader to understand and not to laugh at my concerns or dismiss them as petty problems.

3. Therefore, I need my leaders to take the time to get to know me and build relationships with me.

   I understand, though, that leaders - especially pastors, who have to oversee the whole flock - probably wouldn't have time to give attention to each individual. This is why I like the concept of the cell church, which breaks the church up into smaller groups with a shepherd/overseer over each one. This ensures that each member receives individual attention and increases the opportunity for his/her needs to be met.

   However, I DON'T like the method in which cell groups are conducted, the rigidity of the 4W's model. In my experience cell churches are extremely rigid and by-the-book. Yes, we need to have order and discipline, but I don't believe we need to be regimented and inflexible either. Unfortunately having a set system makes us as humans feel "safe" (because we know what we're supposed to do and we think we can't go wrong). So I don't know whether it is practical to hope for a leader who would be more open to trying out different ways of doing things once in a while, and who would wait on God to find out if God wants to change the agenda on that particular day. But anyway, this brings me to the next "need":

4. I need leaders who are open to trying new things or doing things differently once in a while instead of blindly and inflexibly going by-the-book all the time.

   I don't like rigidity, and I fear that if we have too many rules and methods, we'll be in danger of falling into legalism. Too many rules makes things become automatic and methodical, so that we sometimes end up just going through the motions.

5. I need leaders who will encourage and motivate me instead of being pushy.

   You mentioned avoiding the guilt trip – leaders can be encouraging and motivating instead of pushy. I think leadership can feel like a burden sometimes: we feel so responsible for the people under us that we want to make sure they are OK. And then we push too hard and make them feel like they are not good enough, or not doing enough. Because there are people under us, we sometimes forget that we are fellow travellers on the journey, that we walk side-by-side. Because of that, we often also unconsciously distance ourselves from our members.

   Which brings me full circle to the question of approachability.

6. I need leaders who are approachable and REAL, whom I know can identify with the things I'm going through.

   I have met very few leaders whom I felt were approachable. Most of them seemed like these spiritual giants who would never have experienced the same struggles and pains that we mere mortals go through. They seemed to live on a different plane.

   The thing is, as a leader I have to lead by example, so I cannot be too open about my own weaknesses and struggles, lest it cause one of those under me to stumble. Yet I want to appear human and approachable and real, because I AM all those things. So it's a delicate balance.

   Someone once told me that she would share struggles which she had already overcome by God's grace and with His help. This helped the members to know that she could identify with what they were going through and that she wasn't somehow immune or untouched by temptations, tempestuous emotions and other storms of life. I think it's a good idea. :)

Finally, concerning the question, “How much of it is my responsibility to not lay guilt trips and to love unconditionally (through my actions), and how much is yours to let love cover a multitude of sins?” – there is no such thing as apportioning responsibilities, you know. My answer is that it is 100% on both sides. You are responsible for your conduct as a leader and I am responsible for my reactions as someone under you. We are both answerable to God.

So if my leader fails in his/her responsibility, I still need to let love cover a multitude of sins. God's not going to let me use my leader's failings as an excuse for my own!

Granted, I am upset at the moment and I guess my post doesn't sound like I am letting love cover a multitude of sins. I'm going to have to square that with God... *sigh*