The Wilful Sunflower

On Monday night, I met up with two friends for a time of worship and prayer. One of them asked us to pray for someone he knows.

This lady had accepted Christ for about six months when she found out that she was infected with the HIV virus. Naturally, she shared it with a few people in her church, who spread it to the others, and in the end she was politely invited to leave. Disappointed and disillusioned, she left the faith and is now a Muslim.

My heart broke when I heard this. As we prayed for her, I felt so burdened because the church has failed – not only failed this lady, but so many others besides. There are so many walking wounded out there, casualties of "churchianity".

I found myself weeping and crying out to God for forgiveness on behalf of the church. So often we have turned away the truly needy from our doors. Instead of demonstrating love and acceptance and providing a place of healing and comfort, we have instead alienated those who are searching for an answer. I fear we have to answer to God for the brokenness we have caused. And it’s more wide-ranging than you think.

Growing up in a Christian family, I was attending church even in my mother’s womb and have never stopped, except for a few months late last year. In my teens, I began serving in church, and have been more or less involved in church ministry since then. Here are my experiences…

I found that leaders did not have time for me. Oh, they would beg me to join their congregations if they needed my help. “We really need a pianist. We have been praying for one for so long! Please come, we need you to play for us!” And, obviously, they would meet up with me if they thought I was doing something wrong, or simply not doing things their way. But I once disappeared for three months and nobody noticed. And when my mentor of a few months quit her job to join the church as a full-time youth pastor, she told me that she would no longer have any time to mentor me. Yes, of course youth pastors have better things to do with their time than mentor the youth!

I found that church is often a farce, because we are seldom real with each other. Look at what happened to the lady I mentioned above. Why would anyone admit that they are human, with human weaknesses? Christians are supposed to be victorious overcomers, so we come together and tell everyone that all’s right with our worlds. I can’t count the number of times I was told that I must have faith. I have faith, but that doesn’t make my problems disappear, in case you didn’t realise!

I found that church can degenerate into a performance. We do and say all the right things. We clap our hands, raise our hands, sing enthusiastically, shake hands and say “God bless you”s, say emphatic “Amens” to the pastor’s sermon – oh, it is so easy to fall in with the crowd. And yet, so many times I felt isolated inside, empty, bleeding…

I found that I was rarely given the freedom to be myself. Most of the time I was expected to fit into a mould, not think, not ask any questions, and just do what was required of me. It was other Christians who told me my laugh was too loud, that I needed to be softer, quieter and more “ladylike”. Go figure. What can you say to such a demonstration of ‘love’? “But it’s for your own good!” Thank you very much. Acceptance in the church? Savour it if you have it, because it’s rare.

I found that we can so easily fall into legalism, because as humans we always feel safer following a set of rules. Church has sometimes degenerated into a system or method of “doing church”, a set of rules and regulations. Traditional or mainline denominational churches might be fighting against this, but I’ve found this problem to be especially real in cell churches – and because the cell church is a relatively new fad (or at least, in Malaysia it is), we have yet to realise this danger.

I found also that as Christians, we often lay guilt trips on ourselves – or leadership lays it on us without realising it – for not reading the Bible enough, not praying enough, not giving enough, or not serving enough. As I said, we fall so easily into legalism. We all know that we do these things out of love for God, and not to earn His approval or acceptance. But then we still feel like we have to do them to please Him, somehow. We feel like we have to do more, or we are “bad Christians”. We are caught in the Performance Trap.

I found that leaders can get sidetracked by numbers, because it’s so encouraging when we see our numbers swell and grow. In the drive to get more people in, leaders sometimes neglect those who are already there. And there’s a tendency to start viewing every person as a statistic. I really can’t stand it when people are talked about as “souls”. “We must go out and bring more souls into the Kingdom!” A man or woman, to me, is much more than a soul to be saved; he/she is a person to be loved! An individual with individual needs, hurts, fears and sorrows. But the church is often so clinical and emotional when she talks of people. “We had seven salvations last week!” Do we even REALISE what we are saying?! “Seven salvations”? We reduce an individual into a mere statistic just by the words we use. Why not say, “Seven people opened their hearts to Jesus last week”? Rejoice with them, not rejoice over the statistics!

And finally, I found that “love” is often just a four-letter word that sounds really good, but doesn’t seem to be translated into action most of the time. It’s easy to say, “God loves you, and I love you too,” but REAL love requires involvement, and for most of us, that’s too messy. We just don’t have the time for it, the time to build relationships and to care for one another. The courage to be open and share with one another. The desire to get to know the real person hidden deep inside each other’s secret heart.

Of course there’s no perfect church, because churches are made up of imperfect people. And if I dare to say my needs have not been met, ten people will jump on me and say that I should not be so selfish, focussing on MY needs. “You gotta care for others first, you gotta make the first move,” I’ve been told countless times. “Do as you would have others do unto you.”

Guess what? I’ve been trying to do that all along. I’ve found that it’s frustrating if I care in the hope that others will reciprocate – because it usually doesn’t happen! That’s a prime way to get burnt out. No, the trick is to do it for God, and ask the Lord to give me His love for others. It’s about being a channel of His love, not trying to do it own my own. :)

But that doesn’t stop me from complaining to God that my needs are not being met!