Loneliness
I致e just been scrolling through my cellphone痴 phone book, trying to find someone to have dinner with me. Couldn稚 find anyone. I think I don稚 have enough friends.
The same thing happened last night. I got hungry at 10pm and called Ian, but he had just eaten dinner. Called Alex, but it wasn稚 convenient to talk, so no point even asking about eating, LOL. Then I decided not to be desperate and call anyone else, but I felt sorry for myself all the same. I went online, caught Bob on ICQ at 12.30am, prevailed upon him to have pity on me, met him at 1am and finally got some sustenance.
Tonight I shall probably have to eat alone.
I知 lonely. The theory is that God is always with me, so I should never again be lonely. He promised He壇 never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). But somehow that doesn稚 preclude me being lonely.
The funny thing is that I don稚 mind being alone that much. I just wish I had more of an option, I guess. I can handle things on my own, but sometimes it would be a relief to have someone to lean on and share the burdens with. Mom says I知 too romantic. Sure I am. I admit it.
But I also know that a relationship is not the answer. It痴 not a cure for loneliness. What, you think a man will always be there for me when I need him? He痴 only human; he痴 bound to let me down sometime. And I will NOT use a man in that way � as an antidote for loneliness. I値l end up being a possessive, clingy girlfriend, always whining for his attention. I値l single-handedly destroy the very thing that I知 trying so hard to hang onto: our relationship. That痴 not love. That痴 selfishness.
So, no special relationship for now. People tell me I think too much, but I am waiting for a special man. And I want to be the kind of woman a man like that will love, want and need. A woman who will be a helpmeet and encouragement to him, not a ball and chain that pulls him down!
For that, I need to be able to come to him whole, not asking him to patch up the broken and empty places in my life. Because to ask him to do that would be to set him an impossible task. Only God can do that. He痴 the One who made me, and He痴 the One who loves me like no one else ever could. So Father, I pray, heal me. Make me whole. Help me to find my security in You and You alone, because You are the Lord, and You do not change (Malachi 3:6). I can depend on You. Thank You, Father.