Shaken
Mom just called. I asked her whether she knew about the car and she said no, but she said Dad had discussed the possibility of getting a car for me and he was wary coz I haven't been saving any money - he's worried I won't be able to maintain the car. The way she said it, it sounds like Dad may have decided not to get the car after all and I dare not call and ask...
You know, when I first heard this I felt it was almost too good to be true, and even when I was telling people and testifying about this answer to prayer, one part of me thought, "Don't speak too soon, it's not in your hands yet, it may not happen." The other part of me said, "If Dad said he will do it, he will; have faith!"
Mom said Dad wanted to see me save some money before helping me out with a car. And she hadn't told him about the passport money, which means he didn't know I'd had to be bailed out 2 weeks ago - he doesn't know how bad it is. Well it comes back to my inability to save - inability hell, my indiscipline. So I guess I deserve it, if it's true. My own fault. "Your sins will find you out," they say, only here it isn't really a sin, more like a weakness.
Yes, I don't know how I haven't managed to save any money. It just goes. I DO live within my means, I just don't have a lot left over, that's all. You know I'm supposed to get a mobile phone but I still haven't - I still can't see my way to stretching my budget that far. And I haven't paid last month's phone bill. After working eight months - it's disgraceful! Yes. I'm so ashamed.
It feels like I have to prove myself to Dad all over again - prove that I'm able to save. Hey, I know that's not a bad thing. And I know it's something I have to learn. But how can I describe how I feel? Like a wretched failure? Like as if I can't do anything right? - or not in his eyes, anyway.
And yes, I'm also thinking about the loss of face if Dad doesn't do it after all. I've already told my church members, assorted friends... I was so excited! What a let-down.
Father, I want to believe in Your miracle... now all of a sudden I feel like I'm not good enough for a miracle, like it might not happen for me, like I'll be overlooked and passed on again. So many times I feel You pass on me... I know You have a plan and that You have Your own timing, but sometimes it's just so hard to hold onto that hope. Sometimes I wonder if this one weakness is enough to make me a "bad" person in Your eyes - does it negate everything else that I am, everything else that I do? Because it often feels that way. That nothing else counts beside this. That I'm such a lousy person for not being able to save a cent.
I pay my tithes, I don't rob You, but I know I'm not a good steward of the rest... I wish I could live a simple life and be all Dad wants me to be, and I try and try and have the best of intentions but it somehow doesn't happen! Is that what You want me to be too - are You disappointed? Why do I always feel like I'm such a disappointment to Dad, and by extension, to You???
Half the time I think You're looking down on me in disapproval. Oh yes, I try to remind myself You love me. I memorise Scripture. I tell myself over and over again that You are not like that. But I can't help how I feel. It's always such a struggle to believe that You really, really love me. That You really, really accept me just as I am, that the warts don't matter, that You care, in a deep and personal way. Why should anybody care? If You talk about this situation - anybody I tell is going to say it's my own fault. I KNOW it's my own fault! That's what makes it so hard to bear.
I want to believe that You will still do this miracle for me. I want to believe that if my car doesn't come from Dad, You will send it from some other source. And it will be a better car than the one Dad talked about on Saturday. I really want to believe. Only, I feel like You might not do it for me anymore because I don't deserve it. That's stupid, of course - when do I ever deserve any of Your gifts and blessings?
And one part of me is saying now, "You see! I knew it was too good to be true. These sort of things just don't happen to you!" Oh, get thee behind me, Satan. Lie of the devil! But yes, Lord, sometimes it seems You're doing things for everybody except me! And I'm not special enough for You to intervene and act on my behalf!
OK I'm being stupid. But it hurts, Father... oh it hurts...
Help me to believe. Your truth prevail, O God. Comfort me and reassure me of Your love. I am so insecure!